5 weeks

Dear Baby,
You are 5 weeks old as of yesterday and we still can't believe that this isn't just a dream. According to the doctor, you are almost 5 mm large which is both unbelievably small and large, considering that you were only two cells large three weeks ago.

The morning that I took my pregnancy test, I was burdened with the sense of performing a familiar task with an inevitable outcome--negative. Always negative. We tried for so long to bring you into our life and although the scars from that experience are still deep, it is amazing how two lines can bring on voluntary amnesia. After I took the test in the bathroom, I set it flat, just like the instructions illustrated and then went back to bed and tried to count to 180 seconds. I got to about 80 when I gave up and went back to the bathroom. Two lines, clear as day.

I immediately went into a semi state of shock. I grabbed the test and ran back to bed to shake your father awake. I was crying and could hardly get the words out but managed to get through his deep non-conscious dream state. He patted my stomach and mumbled something about smelling pee and smiled....and then fell back asleep.

After he really woke up, we both went through similar emotions. Disbelief, fearfulness, overwhelming joy, relief, worry. And now, a week later, I would say that we're still feeling those emotions even if they've died down a little.

Larger than all of those emotions, however, is love. Although at times you don't feel very real, we love you with the wholeness of our hearts. We can't wait to be with you

Love,
Mama